As someone who has always enjoyed watching horror movies, I’ve watched my fair share of really bad ones. You know the ones I’m talking about. The B-rated ones that really bombed at the Box Office. The ones where you had to take a 2-hour shower afterward, and you still felt unclean. Now imagine if real life was anything like these horrible monstrosities which we love/hate to watch? I think it would kind of be like this….
Skanks R’ Us
First of all, there wouldn’t be a truly attractive person as far as the eye could see. We’d all look like the products of country bumpkin white trash inbreeding. The upside? There would be no “pretty” people to stand high and mighty above us, telling us what we have to look like to be attractive. The downside? Unless everybody kept a surplus of paper bags around, the human race would slowly die off.
I Can’t See!
With everybody looking like total skanks, it’s probably a good thing that, no matter where you go, the lighting would be horrible. Horrible to the point where you could barely tell what anyone was actually doing, let alone who they were. I get the whole idea behind darkness in horror movies, for setting the mood and not knowing what’s going bump in the night, but in real life, it would really suck 24/7. Especially for us folks who are already visually impaired.
Fried Eggs and Water Melons
Another matter of physical appearance is the fact that every woman would either be flat as fried eggs at rest or look like they were carrying a 20lb. watermelon in their bra. There are no medium-sized gals in those movies. Of course, this may be a blessing in disguise. From what a lot of my female friends and family have told me, bra manufacturers only tend to make bras in those two sizes anyways.
Set Em Free
And you would be seeing those bras, or the treasures they held ALL THE TIME AND EVERYWHERE. B-Movies are famous for their scantily clad women. Having a slumber party? Take them off, girls! Party at the beach? Check out these volleyballs! Walking through the creepy haunted house? Oh no, I just tore all the buttons off the front of my shirt! Don’t get me wrong, I’m a proud supporter of freeing the ladies. I just think some of the situations and locales they do it are comical. I can just picture them…I mean it…happening in real life.
Sex = Dead
Of course, you might want to keep those ladies under control, and same goes for those “swingy thingys” fellas. If real life was truly like a B-Rated horror flick, pretty much everyone and anyone who has sex is going to die. Whether you’re getting ready to, in the middle of the act, or relaxing afterward. Some creepy crawly, ax murderer, psycho, or monster is going to kill you. Now we’re talking effective birth control, right? Sorry hon, I love you, but not that much.
You Were Attacked By What?
And while we’re on the subject of ridiculousness, what about all the bizarre threats we’d have to watch out for? Killer vegetables running amuck through the streets? Ravenous gerbils swarming through the neighborhoods? Land sharks from Pluto knocking at your door? Oh, the cheesy horror!
And while we’re on the subject of cheesey, imagine if our lives were full of the cheesey props and one-liners that populate these “fine” films? True literature and entertainment would be totally obliterated. Some would claim this has already happened in the 21st century. Just watch movies like “Blood Diner,” or “The Nail Gun Massacre” if you have any doubt. You’ll be hard-pressed to decide which is more pathetic. The props or the dialogue.
Trespassers Will Be Violated
And of course, the number of people arrested for trespassing would go through the roof. Everyone would be doing it. Old scary worn-down house? Let’s check it out. Abandoned slaughterhouse? Bring the whole family! Creepy Country Back Road? Can you imagine the sheer amount of broken down cars visiting here? Girls locker room? There would be more pervs than girls hanging out (pun intended)
And finally, our society would have a severe shortage of minorities, the disabled, the overweight, and the nerdy. Why? Because they’re always the first ones to be killed off by the monster, freak, or psychopath; The “red shirts” of the industry. Uh oh?
So, how long would you survive in a B-Rated Horror World? Hopefully longer than Yours Truly. Leave your comments in the section below.