I’ve seen variations of this particular “What If” in YouTube videos but figured I’d give it my own twisted turn. If you don’t like it, you can always hit me on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper. You know I’d probably enjoy it.
This isn’t the most appealing idea, but you have to admit it would be highly entertaining. You step into that big executive meeting, and the first thing everyone does is walk around and give everybody a good butt and crotch sniff to say hello. Or imagine a horde of people on a New York City street doing it as they walked to and fro their daily tasks? Poor gold…lol.
Licking Each Other
The same goes for this one. Instead of that friendly peck on the cheek, romantic liplock, or just courteous handshake, you just give him/her a good dousing with your tongue. Oh yeah. Nothing says thank you for the job interview like a good slobbering.
Dragging Your Butt Across The Carpet
Hey, it’s totally inappropriate, and a bit of a reach to do it with your hands. So why not just drop down and drag that itchy butt of yours across the carpet at work? Problem solved, right? For some reason, I’m picturing the members of Congress, or priests at the Vatican doing this.
Yes, as humans, we already have our versions of this act. Whether it’s that college graduate at their first job interview, or your husband asking for his weekly romp in bed, we’ve all had to beg for something in our lifetimes. Just imagine actually hunkering down, with the sad eyes, and whimpering for it though. Yeah, I know. Some of your husbands probably actually do that already.
Relieved Themselves Anywhere
And while cleaning the family bathroom, you may think the males in your family already do this one as well. Imagine the oogie mess if everyone actually did it just anywhere though? Walking or driving down the street? In that business meeting? While eating lunch at the local restaurant? Funny, but BLECK!
Yeah, we nibble at each other sometimes in the bedroom, but what if we did it just anywhere with anyone as play? Or if we took a nice chomp out of someone who pissed us off? There might be a lot less crime against individuals if we did that. You’re going to mug me, rape me, or try to kill me? Take this! CHOMP! Might make people think twice, right?
Barking And Growling
Another one that might help with personal crimes. Personally, though, I’m picturing this one in the courtroom for some reason. The plaintiff will refrain from talking out of turn, or he will be bitten. GRRRRR!
Eating Your Own Vomit
The plus side, the janitor won’t have to clean up behind you, and that $15 you spent on lunch won’t be wasted. Downside? Geee-Roess!
Shaking Yourself Dry
Okay, this is where pervy Marty comes out. I’m totally picturing this one in the ladies locker room. You have to admit it though, perversity aside, it makes for a pretty funny picture watching all these ladies shaking all over trying to get dry. In all fairness, I’m sure it would be just as funny and entertaining if it were a men’s locker room for you ladies to watch and laugh at. So many “things” flopping around while we’re all shaking off that water…lol.
Obviously, I saved the best one for last, though that shaking yourself dry was a fun one too. Let me justify this one though. Getting past the visual hilarity of it in social situations, there is practicality to consider here. It would totally take the mystery out of who is attracted to who. There would be no more guesswork, no more false hope, no more having to get a friend to find out if someone likes you or not. If there were an attraction there, it would be obvious. Now, who doesn’t want that? I’m still laughing picturing it though.
So, which of these practices would be your favorite or least favorite trait for people and dogs to share? Let me know in the Comments section below.