}); What If Everyone Were Country – Blinds-Eye View

What If Everyone Were Country

DISCLAIMER: Those who know me are well aware of my jovial prejudices when it comes to anything country.  Not the greatest stance, growing up and living in rural Pennsylvania the majority of my life. I’ve never been known for being non-controversial though.  This being said, all my “rips” here are in good fun.  So, what would the world be like if everyone were country?

Trucks, Trucks, And More Trucks

Well, in the first place, you wouldn’t find any other vehicle on the roads or in parking lots but trucks.  That’s not counting tractors and other farm equipment of course, which would be totally legal forms of highway transportation.  You’d be hard-pressed to find a fuel-efficient car anywhere.  The biggest controversies of our world wouldn’t be democrats vs republicans, Pepsi vs Coke, or standers or kneelers.  It would be Chevy vs Ford.  And don’t even bring Dodge into this you fools.


Every state in this country would have the same state animal; The dog.  We’re talking REAL dogs here, not all those fancy smancy pure breeds and purse dogs.  Those are called rats on a leash.  Send them out to the barn.  All cats would be banned to the barn as well, as the second-grade citizens, they are for rodent control.  All other animals, regardless of shape, size, or appearance would be classified as food.

The New National Past Time

Tractor Pulls would serve as the world’s most popular sport, and all Olympic events would center around such activities.  NASCAR would, of course, serve as an equal alternative.  Contact sports, such as football, hockey, and professional wrestling would also be kept around for legitimate reasons to drink every night of the week that tractor pulls or races weren’t to the television.


Those sexy sisters, cousins and daughters of yours would no longer be out-of-season game.  You could bag em’ and tag em’ as you saw fit.  Let the future generations worry about the mutated inbred childrens.  You’ve had your eyes on Becky Jo Sue Ellen your whole life.  Go fer it!


Right after tractor pulls, Divorce Court would be the world’s second favorite pastime.  Nothing says white trash hick like a baby mamma with 10 kids, all of them with a different Daddy.  We’re talking prime datin’ material here!

UFO Sightings

The hell with public defense, foreign trade, or new technologies.  The bulk of federal and state funding, not to mention higher education, would be spent investigating all those crop circles and alien abductions.  Someone needs to put an end to all this alien probing.  I’m starting to like it.


The entire fashion trade would be totally defunct.  If you’re not wearing jeans, bib overalls, plaid shirts and work boots, you better be in the tub or “nek-ked” with Becky Jo Sue Ellen or both.

Chewing Tobacco (ta-baca)

Any man who’s a real man would have a nice big chaw in his gums at all times.  The only time it would be acceptable not to would be when you’re kissing your little miss.  That is unless she chaws too.  Nothing says love like swapping good chew spit.  What?  It’s not like you’re mixing flavors.  Copenhagen is the ONLY flavor, right?


Crime rates would plummet, as EVERYONE would be packing.  Accidental and heat-of-the-moment shootings would skyrocket though.   Every truck would have a gun rack with rifle and shotgun at the ready, and everyone would have an on-person firearm.  Licenses and permits would be a thing of the past.  In fact, if you didn’t have a firearm in your possession, it would probably lead to an extra charge on your income tax return.


And last, and certainly least, country music would run rampant.  All other forms of auditory entertainment would probably be outlawed.  No rock, no rap, no R&B, no classical, nothing but country music!  If none of these other consequences have scared you and made you anti-country, that one surely should have done it.

So, have I missed any other glaring examples of what living in a country world would be like?  Does anybody want to write the rebuttal, “What If Everyone Was City?”  Leave your comments in the section below.