}); How To Yank It Like A Pro – Blinds-Eye View

How To Yank It Like A Pro

As you may have seen from yesterday’s post, if you read it, there are very few barriers I’m unwilling to break with my posts, whether popular or otherwise.  Today’s is no exception.  The topic of masturbation makes people more uncomfortable than talking about most other forms of sex.  Possibly because most of us were brought up to feel it was an embarrassment at best, a sin at most.

Regardless, every red-blooded man and woman who has made it to the age of puberty and beyond has done it.  Whether you’re willing to admit it or not.  It’s purely biological, and there should be no more shame in it.  And if you’re gonna do it, ya wanna do it effectively, right?  Here are my unique and twisted suggestions on doing it like a pro.


Privacy

Your first concern should be privacy.  Even though we’re all being mature here and accepting masturbation as a natural thing, it’s still not socially acceptable to do it in front of an audience.  Your best-case scenario is to wait till you’re the only one at home.  I know, this can be quite the challenge sometimes.

You can always opt to wait until the middle of the night when everybody in your home is asleep, but there are no guarantees here.  You never know when Grandma is going to get up to get a glass of water and make a wrong turn.  I can’t think of anything more mortifying than having your Grandma barge into the room while you’re playing a game of “Rub The Little Rascal.”  Yes, I do plan on using unique euphemisms for masturbation throughout this post.


Venue

The real key to ensuring privacy is a category in itself; venue.  If you choose a decently secluded environment for your personal “Humpety Dumpety” dance, you most likely won’t have to worry about spectators.  On the other hand, if you enjoy the thrill of potentially getting caught, and do it in public, Grandma may be catching you “rubbing the wrinkly” underneath the bleachers at the home football game.


Visual Stimuli

Okay, so nobody is home, you’ve locked yourself in your bedroom, and Grandma is in the hospital suffering from shock.  It’s game time!  Now you need a little visual stimulus to “make the captain rise,” or for you ladies, to “swab the deck.”  The old-time magazine stash under the mattress may have been fine when you were a teenager.  The hell with those musky smelling magazines with the pages all stuck together.  (We really need to work on your aim.)  Now there’s internet porn!  Hell, latest statistics have determined that 30% of the entire data out there on the internet is pornographic in nature.  You might as well say the world wide web was MADE for this purpose!

Just be careful with your clicks, okay?  Especially if there’s anyone home.  Some of those sites can get pretty graphic and LOUD.  And with the thousands of related and similarly LOUD popups, you might attract unwanted attention to your room.

“I swear Mom, it’s animal planet.  There’s a problem with the remote or something.  Yes, I’m going to visit Grandma at the hospital tomorrow!  Can’t I get any privacy in my own room now?”


Lubrication

Okay, you’ve navigated to your favorite site and your favorite twisted sub-category of sexual dysfunction on that site.  You’re almost ready to go.  Unless you’re the manliest of men and prefer rubbing yourself raw, or you’re a woman who can get by on nature’s own, you’re going to need some lubrication.  Hopefully, you’ve progressed past the days of petroleum jelly.  One, the stuff is so thick you can barely feel yourself touching yourself.  And secondly, the stuff is almost impossible to clean off without the use of a blowtorch afterward.

Disclaimer:  Do not take a torch to your genitals, gentleman.  The results will not be favorable.  Furthermore ladies, you shouldn’t be messing with the petroleum jelly down there anyway.  Petroleum and “poody’s” don’t mix well.  That’s your public service announcement for today.  Your best bet, for both men and women, is a water-based lubricant.  If you’re in a bind though, several household products may be used in a pinch.  Cooking oils and margarine from the kitchen will suffice.  Just make sure to keep your privates away from the cooktop, okay?


Physical Enhancers

There are plenty of personal sex toys out there which you can use to enhance the experience if your fingers aren’t doing the job.  Dildo’s, vibrators, pocket pussy, beads, and bullets to name just a few.  If you don’t have any of these toys on hand, shame on you!  The kids aren’t the only ones who deserve Christmas and birthday toys, even if you have to purchase your own.  Actually, unless you have a significant other, you probably should be buying these for yourself.  Asking Mom, Dad, the kids, or your friends at work for them can be just a bit embarrassing.  And for gawd sake, don’t even bring up the subject to Grandma you sick bastard!  Hasn’t she suffered enough?


Enjoying The Experience To Its Fullest

Finally, you have everything you need, and you’re going at it.  Don’t let all this preparation go to waste in under 5 minutes though.  Pace yourself here.  I know for the ladies this usually isn’t an issue.  Correct me if I’m wrong.  But you know what I’m talking about guys?  Yeah, as men, we are more interested in the destination than the trip and want to get to the climactic end, but slow it down their hoss and enjoy the ride.  It will be good practice for when you do get a partner and don’t want to disappoint her or him by losing it the second they touch you.

Stop what you’re doing now and then.  Give yourself a breather here and there when you’re getting close to that edge.  Think of something completely unrelated to sex, or something you find totally distasteful.  Grandpa in a thong perhaps?  Yeah, you thought I was gonna pick on Grandma again, didn’t you all?  Hasn’t she been through enough trauma today?


Mess Management

Okay, so you’ve made it the whole way to the 6-minute mark (sarcasm) , and you can’t hold it back anymore.  It’s cumming whether you want it to or not.  Have you taken a moment to consider mess management?  If not, this is probably a bit too late in the process.  For women, a simple towel between you and the bedding will suffice down there.  That is unless you’re a squirter.  Then maybe a precisely placed bucket?

As for you guys, you have a few other options.  Sure, you could just let it lose, but that will lead to a lot of cleanups.  The bedding, the floor, the walls, the ceiling, the ceiling fan, your goldfish Mr. Sparkles.  Sure, it’s liberating just getting lost in the moment with no worries, but your housekeeper will most likely quit on the spot.  There are easier methods.

For instance, there’s the “duck and cover method” which can be utilized with a wad of tissues, hand towel, or your own hand in a pinch.  Just be wary of yaw, pitch, and gravity.  Also, if you’re just letting loose in your hand make sure to wipe off said hand before touching the doorknob, walls throughout your home, or family pets.  The housekeeper and “Sparky” will thank you.  Actually, they won’t, but you may get a bit of attitude from both either way.  You don’t want to explain the trail to your housekeeper, and definitely not to the dog groomer.


Hiding The Evidence

Unless you are proud of your accomplishment and want to share it with your family and the general public (You sick bastard) it’s time to hide the evidence.  First things first, get yourself cleaned up.  Remember, no trails through the house! Secondly, dispose of your messy tissues, and make sure those skanky hands towels get buried in your laundry basket.  Put your lubricant away, especially if you got it from the kitchen.  Trust me, you probably don’t want to explain why the Wesson is on your nightstand.  Or maybe you do, or don’t care if anyone notices or asks.  In that case, leave a few other things on there to really make them wonder.

“Marty…why is there a bottle of Wesson, a curling iron, and a shoe horn on your nightstand?”

Okay, …you’re all cleaned up, the spooge tissues and towels are dealt with, the groceries are put away.  The only thing left is to wipe that browser history on your computer.  You don’t want someone purposely or inadvertently seeing the kinky, perverted shit that turns you on.  Only so many people will truly understand your infatuation with short, chubby lesbian bikers who like to hit each other with limp lasagna noodles.


So, this is where I would typically ask which of these practices you follow, or if you have any unique ones of your own which you’d like to share.  Something tells me I’m not going to get much of a response to that though…lol Here’s what I’ll do.  If I get MORE than three bona fide responses from MORE than three separate people, not counting responses from myself, of course, I’ll give away a free copy of my new book, “The Vampire Chad” to one of the commenters.  Chosen randomly of course.  Extra credit for anyone who understands this post’s thumbnail.