Now, you’re probably saying, Marty, I think I already know how to shower. I’ve been doing it my entire life. And I respect that. If you’re old enough to be reading the dribble that comes out of this site, you should be old enough to handle that daily task on your own. Go, you! But have you ever really thought about the process? The decisions that go into it? The sheer amount of tiny little accomplishments you achieve in that simple 10-30 cleansing. Like most people, you probably don’t think about it at all. You just put yourself on autopilot and go. If you really stop and think about it though, you might be surprised just how much thought and effort you put into this daily taste. For example….
The first thing you have to do before showering is ditch whatever clothing you’re wearing. Unless you’re a multi-tasker who washes their laundry at the same time. This is when decision #1 comes into play. Strip in your bedroom, where the laundry hamper is most likely located and convenient, or wait till your in the bathroom, leaving them heaped upon the ground. So it really comes down to a matter of modesty vs. laziness. I’m sure you can guess which way I go with this one.
Unless you’re like me and don’t care who sees what, you might want to do some other prep before going to the shower. Like making sure you have clean clothes in there, and all the necessities for your shower like a wash cloth, soap, shampoo, and a towel. ESPECIALLY A TOWEL! There’s nothing worse than having drip your way from the bathroom to the linen closet to get something to dry off. Especially if you get there and your family has already hoarded ALL the towels. There’s nothing worse than having to dry every inch of your body with a dry washcloth.
Getting the water just right
Okay, so now you’ve got everything you need, you closed up in the bathroom, it’s time to get that water flowing. Unless you’re a true masochist, you probably regulate the water before getting into the shower. Personally, I’m not. An ice shower does nothing for me, and having my flesh melted off isn’t much fun either. So you lean forward so you’re not under the shower spray and turn those shower knobs till you get just the right temperature. Then you slide on in there.
Close the Curtain!
One of my biggest pet peeves as a bad is when one of my kids, or another adult, is incapable of making sure the shower curtains are securely closed on both ends. Call me picky, but I don’t really enjoy getting a shower in the kitchen below while I’m trying to make a sammich. How hard is it? Wet the wall next to the end of the curtain and plaster the plastic shower curtain to it from top to bottom is you have to. Just because I’m making a sub for lunch doesn’t mean I want it under water.
Okay, now it’s time to drench yourself. If you have a stationary shower head, that means turning yourself around in circles underneath it and running your wet hands over the areas the falling water can’t reach, like those nether regions, under your rolls if ya have them, and under da ladies for you ladies. If you’re lucky like me, you have a removable shower head with a hose that you can simply take to every inch of your body, instead of doing the shower head dance.
The general rule of thumb while washing? You start at the top and work your way down. This means shampooing the hair first. I know that some of you ladies, especially with the LONG hair save this till last, and that’s your prerogative. As for the rest of us, your hair should already be soaked for the last step, so know it’s time to get the shampoo in there and scratch. A word to the wise, a little shampoo goes a LONG way, especially for us short haired fellas. Don’t go all ballistic with how much you use. Any more than a quarter-sized dollop in your palm is probably enough to shampoo a wooly mammoth. Or an 80’s hair doo. Spread it all over that cranium of yours, and really scratch it into that scalp. This not only cleans your hair and scalp well but cleans underneath your nails as well. Multi-tasking!
Lather Lather Everywhere!
From there it’s just a matter of scrubbing and lathering up everywhere else. Don’t forget those hard to reach places like your back, inside your ears, underneath those rolls and boobs, and in between your toes. And the hardest place for those of us with little to no balancing skills, the bottom of your feet. Oh, if I didn’t have the littlest bit of shame, what a video that trapeze act would be…lol.
Rinse Rinse and Rinse Again.
And now it’s back to soaking yourself again. The only difference is you have a suds-covered, abominable snowman looking body to rinse off. Some soaps come off easy. Others, like those skin moisturizing types, not so much. You need a freaking industrial scouring pad, electric sander, and blow torch to get the soap off your body. Just be careful around those delicate parts. Privates and nips don’t respond to blow torches well.
Alternate Rinse In Summertime
If there’s one thing I hate, especially during those warmer summer months is when you’re all down taking a nice cleansing shower, and you immediately start sweating when you’re done. What was the freaking point of the shower at this point? One way to alleviate this is to rinse yourself with the coolest water you can stand without causing hypothermia, frostbite, or icicles hanging off Mr. Happy or your jingle balls. Gets ya rinsed off and cooled down at the same time.
Safely Turning the water off
Depending on how you turn your shower off, this can be as tricky as getting the water the right temperature. If you turn it off at the handles, you have to turn both off simultaneously so you don’t scald or freeze yourself. A very touchy process, especially if one of your hands slips or gets ahead of the other one. YEOUCH!
Now, don’t be an idiot. As long as you weren’t a complete moron and put your towel out of reach, you should be able to dry yourself off IN THE TUB OR SHOWER. Why soak up the bathroom mat or rug or whatever you have on your bathroom floor? Truly, I can never understand when you go to use the bathroom after someone has showered, and the floor is totally soaked. Why? Unless you set a family of wet beavers loose in the bathroom every time you shower, there’s no excuse for the soggy mess. Why exactly would you set a family of wet beavers loose in your bathroom after every shower? Hey, I don’t question what you do in your free time, okay?
Now, for the ladies, your shower may not be completely done yet, depending on how important you take the hair issue. In this day and age, it’s pretty much only acceptable for a lady to have hair on her head. Anywhere else, and your GEEE-ROOOSE. I have no hang ups with a woman with hair wherever, but most people do. Now you have to shave your pits, legs, va-jay-jay, and your face to be acceptable. Okay, I will agree with the face part. A woman with a stache is just nasty…lol. As I’ve never had to partake in the shower shave, I can only speak second hand, but it definitely seems like it would take the reflexes and dexterity of a ninja to accomplish defoliating some of those areas. How the hell do you even see what you’re doing down there around the Va-Jay-Jay, ladies? Alas, nobody wants to demonstrate for me.
Alternative Dry off in summer
Okay, getting back to the drying off subject, if you know how to do The Shake or the Hippy Dippy Shake, you’ve got this drying off thing under wraps (Pun Intended). There is one little trick I like to do in the summertime though, especially if it’s one of the muggy, sweaty days. After rinsing off with nice cool water, I just dab myself dry enough that I’m not going to leave a swamp trail behind me, then head for my bedroom. Again, avert your eyes folks, cause this boy has no shame…lol.
Once in the bedroom, I lay my towel out of the floor, stand on it, and turn my stand fan on high. The only thing cooler would be to do it in front of an air conditioner or open freezer. So freaking refreshing drying off that way! Mental note, regardless of your modesty level, it’s still a good idea to make sure the bedroom curtains are closed. Unless you are hot looking, nobody wants to see you flopping in the breeze.
Unless you’re some young thing or don’t give a shit about wrinkles, it’s time for some moisture-holding lotion. From top to bottom and back again, skipping the hair, unless you’re after the greaser look. Just don’t spend to much time and lotion on those nether regions, folks. Unless you want to start back at Step #1 again…hehehe
Managing the doo
If you’re a short-haired dude like me, you can almost skip this part. For the ladies though, it’s almost a must unless you’re staying at home all day or just plain don’t give a shit. Hair drying, hair curling, hair straightening, hair brushing, hair combing, hair primping, hair spraying. And in the end, you still hate your hair. Why bother?
Having to get dressed
And now, sadly, the most depressing part of the showering process. Having to put on clothes. Unless your house is a bit too breezy, this is the suckiest part of it all. Relinquishing that feeling of total freedom and abandon and weighing yourself down this society’s polyester shackles. Okay, maybe I’m being a little melodramatic, but not much. I suppose none of us would ever get anything done if we were all running around without clothes all day, right?
So, am I missing any part of your daily shower routine? Is there something else you do or don’t do? Let me know in the comments below.