Timing is everything
Rule #1 for going on a diet is getting the timing right. You don’t want to jinx yourself, so you need to be extra careful when you do it. You don’t want it to be ANYWHERE in the holiday season between Thanksgiving and Christmas of course. There are WAY too many fattening and sweet treats around those times. Then there’s Love-Is-For-Suckers Day with its boxes full of multi-flavored yumminess, Easter with its chocolate bunnies, Halloween when you get the raid the kids’ stash after they go to bed, family and friends birthdays with cake and ice cream, anniversaries, football season, and let’s not forget party weekends of Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays! Damn, this is gonna be hard to work around!
Out with the bad
Okay, so you’ve figured out your timing. Now it’s time for some weight loss prep. First order of business? Ya gotta clear that fridge, pantry, and cupboards of all those non-diet foods. Gotta rid yourself of temptation, right? That means getting rid of all that candy, sweets, chips, soda, and everything processed. It’s all gotta be eaten before Day 1 of your diet. I know it’s a daunting challenge, but I know you’re up to it. Chow down my friend. You’re doing this for your own good.
In With The Good
And now that the entire contents of your kitchen are swirling around in that giant belly of yours, it time to go shopping for some healthy food. Whole grains, fresh fruit and veggies, lean non-red meats, and low-fat dairy products. Yum!
You Will Be Poor
Unfortunately, in this day and age, all these healthy foods cost more than the fat-filled, sugar plenty, salted processed foods we’ve all come to love. Don’t you believe me? Check the price of white bread to whole grain wheat, the price of canned fruits and veggies to fresh ones, the price of processed meats to natural, and the cost of natural fruit and veggie drinks to soda. You may need to take out another mortgage on your house to pay for this diet. I can’t wait to see the look on your lender’s face when you tell them you need it the money for a diet.
The easiest way to diet is through portion control. The trick is to eat the amount that is considered a serving and not exceed it. Even bad foods can be enjoyed if your stay within the recommended portion sizes. Here are some examples of common foods. M&M’s – 15 pieces, Potato Chips – 18 chips, White bread – 1 slice, Pizza – 1 slice, Soda – 8.5 oz. When was the last time you followed any of these portion rules? Yes, when you were 2 years old, maybe.
The Buddy System
The best motivation for being on a diet is by doing it with someone else. It helps to share the experience, knowing someone is going through it with you and will be there to support you. It’s also more of a challenge to cheat behind their back. Everyone likes a challenge, right?
Treat Yourself Now And Then
The real trick to dieting isn’t total unrelenting control. It’s letting yourself have a treat now and then. Whether it’s once a month, one a week, or a small, little, eensie weensie, mini treat once a day. As long as that small, little, eensie weensie, mini treat isn’t an entire pizza, 2 dozen honey BBQ wings, 1 pound of French fries, and a 2-liter bottle of soda. Moderation folks!
Yes, trips to the fridge do count. Go for the burn! By the way, sex burns approximately 100 calories for men, and 69 for women during a 25-minute sex session, depending on who’s doing all the work. For us lonely “self-pleasurers” that translates to 50 calories for a 12-minute session. Or 25 calories for a 6-minute session for those really lame guys. Regardless, it’s a helluva lot more fun than calisthenics or running, right? Close the door mom! Can’t you see I’m trying to exercise here?
Checking the weight
It’s a good motivator to get on the scale every now and then to keep up with your weight loss. An excellent way to motivate yourself is to wear everything piece of clothing in your closet on Day One, then take off one piece of clothing at the end of each week when you weigh yourself. By the time you’re down to it being just you and your scale, you should only weigh a fraction of what you did originally.
One, because you’ve been slowly shedding the layers of clothing. Two, because you’ve probably been sweating the pounds away underneath all those clothes. And three, you’ve been getting tons of exercise washing all that laundry at the end of the week. It’s a win win win here, folks! By the time you’re done, you should be proud of that naked body of yours on the scale. The rest of the people in the main room of your local gym might have an issue with ya flaunting it there in front of everyone, but they’re probably just jealous, right? Yeah!
So, what are some of your favorite dieting practices? How effective are they? Hopefully better than mine, because I take in a lot more than 50 calories a day.