}); How To Put Up A Christmas Tree – Blinds-Eye View

How To Put Up A Christmas Tree

So, it’s that wonderful time of year again, December.  Time to get all our Christmas shopping done, bake all those delicious Christmas cookies, decorate the house, and put up the tree.  If you’re like me, the last of these little holiday chores is usually the most challenging.  That’s why I’ve put this little Helpful How-To together to help the rest of you along.

Step #1    Break Out The Tree

Unless you’re a true traditionalist and still get a real tree for the holiday, you have a trusted artificial one stored away somewhere in your house.  Whether it’s buried up in the attic somewhere, shoved in the back of a closet, or if you’ve gone the lazy man way and just boxed it up and left it in the corner of the room it was decorated, it’s time to break it out.  Take it out of the box piece by piece keeping everything organized, or just dumping the sucker out onto the floor in a jumbled pile, it doesn’t matter.  It’s outta the box!

Step #2    Assembling Said Tree

Unless you have one of those handy dandy Cindy Lou Who Christmas trees that operates like an umbrella, just opening and closing in one easy movement, you’ve probably got some assembly to do now.  With any luck, you have big sections and few parts of your tree.  The only hard part of assembling one of these is making sure you put each grouping of branches on the right layer of the tree.  If it comes out looking like a Christmas bush, or an upside triangle, you may want to try again.  Bigger branches on the bottom, to the smallest ones on the top,

Now, if you have one where every branch is a separate piece or a prelit one with cords and plugs are through it, you have a problem and my condolences.  There is no way you’re going to get this tree up this year in time.  You might as well wait until next September and with any luck, you’ll have it all put together by next Christmas.

Step #3    The Lights

If there’s anything nearly as jumbled and confusing as the parts of a 100-piece Christmas tree, it’s the jumble fuck of lights you have to untangle and put up.  Yes, you put them away all nice and neat last Christmas, so you wouldn’t have to go through with this again this year.  Unfortunately, some time between then and now a horde of disgruntled trolls must have invaded and sacked your attic.  Tangling Christmas lights is their second favorite thing to do in the world.  Don’t ask what their first is.

Anyway, after going through several nail-biting hours of untangling the lights, make sure they all work before putting them on the tree.  You may not have been smart enough to test them before trying to untangle the mess, saving yourself the trouble, but the hell with it.  Regardless, you’re probably going to end up buying more, because there’s always that one burnt out bulb that kills the whole strand.  And yippity skippity, the couple “extra” bulbs they gave you don’t work either.  Yay!

Now, it’s finally time to actually put the lights on the tree.  Make sure to secure the proper end of the strand to the top of your tree, or you’ll be removing all your lights when you’re done and don’t have a plug at the bottom end to stick in the outlet.  Now you get to circle around and around the tree, hooking lights to the branches as you go around, trying to keep the spacing even.  Good luck with that.

You know as well as I do that you’re either going to get the bulbs too close and end up running out of strands halfway down the tree, or you’re going to position them too far apart, and have enough to open up your own lighted airport runway.

Step #4    The Garland

If assembling the tree and putting up the lights haven’t led you to heavy alcoholism, or throwing the whole damn tree out in the street, the garland may.  As with the lights, it’s a fine art to get the spacing even the whole way from the top of the tree down to the bottom.  On top of this, you need to “swoop” the garland up and down as you go around the tree so it doesn’t look like your line painted it on.  Swoop it down too steeply and often though, and it will look like a representation of your Aunt Harriet’s bra line after nursing 12 children back in the 1950’s.  YEEESH!

Step #5    The Ornaments

This part may take the longest, but it’s typically the easiest.  As long as you can manage to get those horribly small, terribly sharp ornament hooks into the ornaments without severing a finger or two, you should be fine.  Yes, there will be the inevitable hook that refuses to cling to the tree branches for some unexplainable reason, but other than that, the process should be a breeze.

Just one further warning on this matter. Make sure the ornament are relatively evenly spaced around on the tree, keep your colors varied, and do NOT overload one side of the tree or the other.  They may be tiny little bulbs, but get too many on one side of the tree, and it will go down faster than a $3.00 hooker’s G-string the second someone tromps into the room.

Step #6    The Icicles

The only thing you really have to watch with hanging the icicles on the tree is to make sure you only hang one or two at a time.  Some people will grab handfuls and just throw them on the tree willy-nilly.  Yes, it’s a much faster method, but it only works if you want it to look like a unicorn sneezed or threw up all over your Christmas Tree.

And that’s it!  You officially have your Christmas tree up for the season!  How do you go about decorating your tree?  Does your system differ from mine?  How so?  Leave your answer in the comments section below.