}); How To Fart In Public – Blinds-Eye View

How To Fart In Public

Admit it, we’ve all been there.  You’re hanging out with friends, family, or coworkers, and you feel those bubbles pushing their way through your lower intestines.  What do you do?  How do you handle it?  What exactly is the etiquette to proper gastronomical release?  I have you covered!


Hold It

The first and most common method of dealing with this stressful situation is to simply hold her in.  It’s just like when you’re waddling yourself to the nearest restroom after downing that 10th bowl of chili.  You need to keep those gates clamped down, man!  The pressure will rise and rise, but will eventually come to a temporary standoff.  Note, you can only perform this hold for a certain amount of time.  Eventually, the gatekeeper will leave his post, or your internal organs will explode.  Make haste!


Bathroom Break

The second easiest way of dealing with pesky gas is to simply excuse yourself to the restroom and let it fly there.  Your only issue here is making sure you’re the only restroom inhabitant (Check for feet in those stalls) and making sure the restroom is not crowd adjacent.  You might as well just let it lose anywhere if you’re going to do it in a bathroom with people right outside.  Restrooms are designed to amplify sounds within them, for the sole purpose of embarrassing you.  Otherwise, they’d be designed with soundproofing, right?


One-Cheek Sneak

The most common method when you’re sitting in a mixed crowd is the one-cheek sneak.  It’s very hard to pass off lifting one of your buns nonchalantly, let alone passing the person directly to your left or right.  This is my least suggested way to “hide it.”


Cough

With this method, you’re not trying to hide your explosive gas, just mask that it came from you.  You do this by coughing, sneezing, choking, or making some other loud noise to mask your trouser trumpet.  Though it may mask the sound, no amount of noise is going to mask the smell.  The following practice is your only recourse.


The Blame Game

With this method, you’re just letting them rip and pointing the finger at someone else before it gets pointed at you.  Slightly effective, with the exception that the person you blame now knows who did it.  Then it comes down to the group and how well they know the two of you.  50/100, you’re screwed.


Little By Little

This one is a bit tricky as well.  Instead of knocking out a mile radius with your noxious bombs, you choose to squeeze out just a little bit at a time.  This method is typically lighter on the ears and nose and may be dismissed.  It’s a chancy way to go, but sometimes effective.


Directional

A variation of the One Cheek Sneak.  You try to quietly set off your paint peeler in an unoccupied direction to hide your deed.  As long as the wind or breeze is in your favor, and nobody unexpectedly walks around a corner and into the line of fire, this one has a chance of working now and then.


Take One For The Team

A variation of the Directional, you back yourself into a solitary corner and let it out quietly.  This limits the radius of the noxious cloud, and as long as nobody is too near you, only hits you.  It may gag you a bit, but it’s your own smell and you’ll survive it.  Just make sure it dissipates for a while before directly approaching anyone in your vicinity.  The odor will follow you.


The Soup Trick

If you know that you’re prone to being a walking talking gas chamber, there are preemptive measures you can take.  One of these is to soak your underwear in soup or broth after running them through the laundry, then hanging them out to dry before wearing them.  Put them on underneath your pants or skirt then, and every time you pass gas people will smell soup instead of your horrid flatulence.

“Hmm…are you wearing chicken vegetable today?”

“No, it’s chicken and rice, but thank you for noticing.”

(A variation of an old George Carlin skit.  May he rest in peace.)


Fire Alarm

DISCLAIMER:  I, in no way, condone the last ditch effort of pulling a fire alarm to clear an area so you may fart in peace.  It’s immoral, unsafe, and very much illegal.  This being said, people will not only clear the area quickly, but the alarm itself will mask any and all auditory evidence as well.  So let her rip!


No Shame

Finally, we come to the final method of dealing with your farting in public.  It’s the Nike motto of “Just do it.”  If you are impossible to embarrass, have absolutely no couth, no sophisticated sense of proper etiquette, just let her fly and take pride in your auditory and olfactory creations.  You can’t shame the shameless.  One word of caution though, in your exuberance to share your harmonic bouquet, don’t overdo it.  In your excitement to entertain, your act may turn to shit.


So, which one of these methods is your personal favorite?  Or do you have an inventive way of your own to deal with it?  Let me know in the comments section below.  Till then, I hope you truly enjoyed the potty humor.

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