I’m not sure what popped this one into my head. I’ve had babies on the mind lately, for who knows what reason. Maybe I’m pregnant? That would definitely take the cake on top of all my other body woes…LMAO. Nonetheless, I’m sure somebody will find this Helpful How-To of use. It is the #1 hardest task when it comes to taking care of a newborn, or your first time babysitting. So, here’s how it’s done.
The first thing you need to do is access the level of damage you’re working with. Unless you’re being proactive and just checking the baby’s britches on a regular basis, like you should, there’s probably going to be some telltale signs to let you know it’s time for that diaper change. A bulging or saggy diaper is the easiest sign. Picking up the little angel and suddenly being soaked through to your skin, or having a torrent of filth squirting out of every opening in the baby clothes is not.
How the hell does one little body put out such a quantity of urine and putrid nastiness? Your guess is as good as mine. I blame demonic possession. Hey, it’s a theory! But at least now you know what you’re working with. Most likely a complete clothing change from head to toe, a deep cleaning, and a pat on that clean bottom. You’ll have to wait for all that though. The baby’s cleanup comes first.
Okay, now that you’ve figured out the extent of the damage, it’s time to open and remove all necessary clothing. On the baby, you pervert! Do your kinky shit on your own time…and make sure to send me pics or video. Wait…what were we talking about? Oh yeah, opening and taking off the BABY’s necessary clothing.
If you’re not the one who dressed the baby that particular day, this may be a trickier and more difficult task than you think. Yes, some baby clothes are like yours and mine. Shirts pull up, pants pull down. But others have snaps, buttons, zippers and deadbolt locks in the most bizarre locations. All I can say here is good luck. If all else fails, there’s always the jaws of life or dynamite.
DISCLAIMER: Do not use the jaws of life or dynamite to remove a baby’s clothing. This may lead to slight skin irritation.
Okay, in some form of fashion, you’ve got the baby undressed, or at least the necessary region exposed. Now after finding the diaper straps, usually velcroid shut on both sides of the baby waist, it’s time to release those straps, grasp the baby by the feet, lifting his/her bottom up, and pull out the diaper. You’re in the very dangerous territory now and on a death clock. Especially if your little one is a boy. Does the term “Thar she blows!” mean anything to you. You need to work FAST from here.
The first thing you need to do when you remove the diaper is get rid of the horrid thing. If you weren’t thinking ahead and made sure there was a diaper pail nearby, a garbage can will do fine. Just remember to dispose of the trash bag when you’re done. You do not want that smell lingering and fermenting in your living space. Taking it outside and burying or burning it in your backyard, while reciting an exorcism in ancient Latin would probably be best, but you don’t have time for that now. Just get rid of the damn thing!
Okay, now it’s time for cleanup. If the baby has only wet him or herself, and the damage has stayed localized in the diaper, this should be fairly simple. A couple diaper wipes to the affected area, diaper cream or baby powder will do the trick. If it’s escaped the bonds of the diaper, especially if it’s more than a wet diaper, you might want to consider a bath. One with steamy hot water, bubble bath, lavender, and light jazz works wonderfully. Again, I suppose the baby needs to come first though. Get him/her cleaned up nicely, get the baby powder or diaper cream on there, and….DUCK AND COVER! Too late. Now you DO need that bath after you clean up all other doused areas. I warned you to hurry.
Now that the baby’s all cleaned up, it time to put a new diaper on him or her. Hopefully, you paid attention to the way the previous one was put on, or this could be tricky for you. If you can’t figure out how to release the taped/velcro-ed tabs on the diaper, you can always improvise with adhesives/fasteners around your house or toolbox. Duct tape fixes everything of course, but you can always use scotch or masking tape in a pinch. Please refrain from the nail gun, stapler, hot glue gun though.
Okay, so the diaper is secure, and it’s time to redress the baby. If the clothing he/she had on is undirtied, this shouldn’t be much of a problem. That is if you remember where everything fastens, and the baby lays still and calm. Otherwise, it’s more akin to trying to put toothpaste back into its tube, while a circus bear on a unicycle is juggling it. Or, it could REALLY be difficult. Again, refrain the urge to use those hand or electrical tools from the garage.
And that’s all there is to it. Your child is healthy, happy, and clean again. For at least another 5 minutes, if you’re lucky.