Unless you’re one of those lazy people with money popping out of your butt, you’ve been there. He may be man’s best friend, but man he can stank sometimes. That’s when it time to corral the poor pooch and give him a bath. No easy task. Here’s the Marty Version of this next-to-impossible task.
Step #1 – Preparation
As with most tasks, the more prepared you are from the get-go, the easier this process will go. Just ask someone who’s been sitting on the toilet for 2 minutes when they realize they’re down to one teenie square of TP left on the roll. Preparation is key!
To prepare to bath your dog you’ll need to gather all your implements of bathing first. These include Dog shampoo, a cloth or sponge, SEVERAL towels, and a Bible. Yes, even us Atheists believe in exorcisms. You’ll probably have to perform one the minute your dog hits the water. Before you collect ole Yeller though, make sure all of these items are within easy reach of your washing position at the tub. If you have to step away from that station for one millisecond, you know where your dog is going to be…at the bus station buying a ticket out of town.
The final two things you should do before tackling your furry best friend is pre-fill your tub with water. Most dogs are psycho afraid of load running water, just like your teenage son. A little early prep will save you a spastic fleeing furball later. Secondly, it may sound a bit weird, but you should lose at least the top half of your clothing. Yes, this goes for you to ladies. You know you’re going to be freaking soaked 5 minutes into this. So lose the top. Trust me, your dog will not judge. I will if you send me your videotapes of the experience though. Yes, I’m that much of a helpful humanitarian.
Okay, so you’ve got all your supplies gathered, your water is drawn, the girls or guys are flopping in the wind, it’s time for Step #2.
Step #2 – Catching The Dog
Unless this is Sparky’s first bath, chances are your flea-bitten genius has seen what your up to and is hiding underneath your bed. Or is waiting for that next bus to New Mexico down at the bus station. Regardless, he or she knows what’s about to happen and wants no part in the matter. You can try repeatedly calling him or her, trying to draw them to the bathroom with toys and treats, but most likely it’s all going to be for not. You’re going to have to drag them out from underneath that bed and carry that 100-pound St. Bernard to the bathroom. How did a 100-pound St. Bernard named Tiny fit underneath your bed? Never question a dog’s abilities when it comes to hiding. They’ll always be in the last place you can imagine they’ll fit.
Step #3 – Into The Tub
Now that you’ve made it to the bathroom with Cujo, don’t forget to close the bedroom door behind you. No, not to hide your partial nakedness. You’ve already run all over the house topless trying to catch your terrified dog, and have probably already emotionally scarred your teenage children for life. It’s too late for that now. No, you want to make sure you’ve closed the bathroom door so Mr. Fluffykins doesn’t bolt the second plop him down in the tub water. You will truly be dealing with a furry wet demon running for its life, best that he/she can’t run very far.
Step #4 – Keeping the dog in the Tub
Getting the dog into the water of the tub is one thing. Keeping them there is quite another. Hence the closed bathroom door. But how do you manage to keep him/her in the tub and still manage to scrub them? It seems impossible without an extra set of hands. If you don’t have any volunteers to help you with this task and haven’t figured out how to grow the extra appendages quite yet, there are a couple other options for you. You can just wrestle the demon and deal with it, have their favorite toy or a bone handy to keep them entertained. Or spread something they enjoy like peanut butter on the wall of the tub enclosure.
I saw that one on YouTube, but haven’t tried it yet. You spread the peanut butter on the wall, and the dog spends the entire bath licking it off. Granted, you’ll want to make sure you get the peanut butter without any ingredients that are poisonous to your pooch, and you’ll have to clean the wall afterward, but if it works I say it’s well worth it. Much easier than performing the exorcism.
Step #5 –Soap that dawg up
Probably one of the easiest parts of the entire process is lathering up your four-legged friend. Make sure to get those nasty nether regions while you’re at it, and take care around their face. They don’t appreciate soap in the eyes any more than you do, and they have sharper teeth. Work it all over, and if you have a low or thick haired dog, work it in deep, right to the skin. There’s no use in just hitting the highlights and still having a dirty stinky dog underneath. If ya have to do it, do it right.
Step #6 – The Scary Running Water – Take Two
Even though you pre-filled your tub to prevent scaring the beegeebers out of Lassie. Now it’s unavoidable. Unless you’ve prefilled 30 one gallon buckets of water ahead of time to just pour over the dog, you’re going to have to turn on that water now to rinse him/her. Any of you country boys or girls who have ever tried to ride a bull or an unbroken horse will understand what’s coming up next. Turning on the water, holding the dog, and trying to rinse him/her all at the same time. It’s like trying to juggle 5 running chainsaws, while standing on one foot, and pulling up a wet swimming suit at the same time. Only a little bit more difficult.
Step #7 – Random Shaking
If it hasn’t happened at least 10 times since you put the dog in the tub, it’s going to happen during the rinse cycle. That wonderful manic shaking dogs do to get themselves dry. This is where Christians are wishing they had Noah on speed dial. 40 days of rain would be a light sprinkle compared to the tsunami you’re going to be dealing with. Hopefully, you’ve got that wet swimming suit pulled up by now, as you’re going to need a hand free to put on your snorkel or scuba suit. This may be a bit of over-exaggeration, but not much. I told ya you should have just stripped yourself ahead of time. Good luck trying to pry that soaked t-shirt off now.
Step #8 – Drying the Dog
Not that it’s really necessary now that Benji has shaken every drop of water off of him and onto you and the rest of the bathroom, but you should still give him a good rub down with a towel. Your best bet is to do this IN the tub after draining the water. They can’t dart around the bathroom trying to get away from you and your fluffy towel of doom. It also saves them from creating another tsunami when you finally let them jump out of the tub on their own. The asshole breeds may just sit there in the tub, waiting for you to lift their soggy doggy ass out of the tub. Ah, there’s nothing like cold wet dog hair against your skin. It’s your turn to do the uncontrollable dog shake now.
Step #9 FREEDOM !!!
You’re all done and have survived yet another Armageddon. Time to open the bathroom door and let Rin Tin Tin run run run! At this point, your pooch is going to do one of two things, neither very pleasant. They’re either going to run in and lay their soggy doggy butt on your dry bed, or they’re going to roll all over the carpet in your house, totally undoing he fine cleaning you’ve given them. Now wasn’t all that worth it? Well, at least he/she doesn’t smell like something that crawled out of your teenage son’s room anymore. That’s a plus.
So, do you have any good dog bathing stories or suggestions for the rest of us? Have you tried the peanut butter trick, and does it work? Have you put your shirt back on yet, you dirty girl? Leave your comments, and pics, below!