The simple method? Leave his short, fat, blind ass on the beach all day. By sundown, you’ll have a short, fat, blind lobster boy on your hands. That is if PETA doesn’t show up. They would probably try to save the poor whale by pushing him back out to sea. But seriously….
The true and most effective way to bake a holiday fruitcake is to mash up the vilest tasting ingredients you can conceive of into a bread pan. Bake them in the oven until your entire house smells like your teenage son’s sweat socks. Remove the finished fruitcake from the oven, and proceed to stab and pound the creature until it is no longer a threat to the biological stability of our planet. Using a flamethrower may also assist with the procedure, but if you truly want to make the world safe for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, there is the ICBM to consider?
If you haven’t gotten my oh so subtle point yet, there is no worse creature you can set upon your friends and family each holiday season than the holiday fruitcake. A letter bomb, a genital rash, and an 8-pound hemorrhoid would be preferable. I cannot overstate this. Do not do it! They will not appreciate it! You will get William Shatner’s Greatest Singing Hits for Christmas next year. There will be villagers at your door with rakes and torches. Santa will burn your house to the ground if you leave him a slice of it with the milk and carrots.
The only conceivably worse holiday gift you could give somebody would be the combination of any form of potatoes mixed with any type of cheese. This includes, but is not limited to pierogis, twice baked potatoes, and the evillest of all, scalloped potatoes. Not even cheese fries or fries with cheese should be considered safe. They will do more harm than good to you. You have to trust me on this! But I’m getting off point here, aren’t I?
Please lend your support to the worthy cause of banning any and all versions of fruitcake this holiday season. Your simple donation of a Like, Comment or Share of this worthy post will earn you a lifetime membership in the Strategic Health Initiative To Ban Really Inedible Crap Kickoff. Be a voice for S.H.I.T.B.R.I.C.K., and we will send you your official S.H.I.T.B.R.I.C.K. Membership Certificate Today!