}); Helpful How-To’s – Blinds-Eye View

Category: Helpful How-To’s

How To Take A Shower

Now, you’re probably saying, Marty, I think I already know how to shower.  I’ve been doing it my entire life.  And I respect that.  If you’re old enough to be reading the dribble that comes out of this site, you should be old enough to handle that daily task on your own.  Go, you!  But

How To Stay On A Diet

Timing is everything Rule #1 for going on a diet is getting the timing right.  You don’t want to jinx yourself, so you need to be extra careful when you do it.  You don’t want it to be ANYWHERE in the holiday season between Thanksgiving and Christmas of course.  There are WAY too many fattening

How To Bath A Dog

Unless you’re one of those lazy people with money popping out of your butt, you’ve been there.  He may be man’s best friend, but man he can stank sometimes.  That’s when it time to corral the poor pooch and give him a bath.  No easy task.  Here’s the Marty Version of this next-to-impossible task. Step

How To Make Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup

There’s nothing better on a cold winter day than a nice hot bowl of chicken soup.  It’s mom’s #1 go-to when you have a nasty cold, is awesome with a couple grilled cheese sammiches, and there’s no more popular healthy comfort food.  You can eat it right out of the can if you want to,

How To Change A Diaper

I’m not sure what popped this one into my head.  I’ve had babies on the mind lately, for who knows what reason.  Maybe I’m pregnant?  That would definitely take the cake on top of all my other body woes…LMAO.  Nonetheless, I’m sure somebody will find this Helpful How-To of use.  It is the #1 hardest

How To Know She’s Mad At You

The title of this one says it all.  You know it damn well guys.  You tend to piss her off a lot more often, and typically to a much higher degree, they’ll she’ll ever annoy you.  It’s not that women do less to piss us off than what we inflict upon them.  It’s just that

How To Yank It Like A Pro

As you may have seen from yesterday’s post, if you read it, there are very few barriers I’m unwilling to break with my posts, whether popular or otherwise.  Today’s is no exception.  The topic of masturbation makes people more uncomfortable than talking about most other forms of sex.  Possibly because most of us were brought

How To Spot A True Child Of The 80’s

I’ll be the first to admit, I am a true child of the 80’s.  But what exactly does that mean?  What makes someone a child of the 80’s?  Here are a few of the #1 signs. Big Hair Anyone who has teenage or young adult photos with super teased, aqua-net maxed out hairdos.  We’re not

How To Live The Comfort-Over-Style Lifestyle

In today’s modern, hectic world, stress is the #1 cause of most of our health, mental, and emotional problems.  It’s next to impossible to avoid, especially in our professional lives.  Here are a few personal suggestions to help you drop those stress levels and lead a more laid-back lifestyle. Sweats Wear them wherever and whenever

How To Bake A Fruitcake

The simple method?  Leave his short, fat, blind ass on the beach all day.  By sundown, you’ll have a short, fat, blind lobster boy on your hands.  That is if PETA doesn’t show up.  They would probably try to save the poor whale by pushing him back out to sea.  But seriously…. The true and

How To Write Marty-Style

I’m sure more than one of my readers has thought, “Just how does Marty come up with some of these goofy shit ideas?”  Others have probably wondered, “Is this guy a freaking genius or is he certifiably insane?”  Still, more have pondered, “I wonder how he manages to show his face in public?” To all

How To Wrap Those Christmas Presents

Twas the night before Christmas, the children are napping. You put it off way too long, it’s time to get wrapping.   You bought your supplies at the Dollar Store. You’ve got ribbons and bows, wrapping paper galore.   Your one lost set of scissors, you’ve finally tracked down. But you forgot the tape, so

How To Put Up A Christmas Tree

So, it’s that wonderful time of year again, December.  Time to get all our Christmas shopping done, bake all those delicious Christmas cookies, decorate the house, and put up the tree.  If you’re like me, the last of these little holiday chores is usually the most challenging.  That’s why I’ve put this little Helpful How-To

How To Fart In Public

Admit it, we’ve all been there.  You’re hanging out with friends, family, or coworkers, and you feel those bubbles pushing their way through your lower intestines.  What do you do?  How do you handle it?  What exactly is the etiquette to proper gastronomical release?  I have you covered! Hold It The first and most common

How To Dig A Ditch

Unlike most of the kids of today, my brother’s and I had a lot of physical chores we were expected to perform on a regular basis growing up.  Chopping and stacking wood, shoveling coal, spreading gravel, mowing the yard, helping build garage after garage after garage, etc.  None of these jobs were particularly fun, we

How To Drive A Car (Blindman Style)

DISCLAIMER:  This Helpful How-To is for entertainment purposes only.  If you are legally blind, please do not attempt any of the suggestions in this post.  That being said, it is also not my intention to discriminate or poke fun at the legally blind or visually handicapped.  Okay…okay…that last part is a lie.  I’m legally blind

How To Survive Black Friday

In just a few short weeks, it will be upon us again people.  That treacherous After-Thanksgiving chaos called Black Friday.  Or, for those trying to be politically correct, The After-Thanksgiving Sale.  Anyone who has braved the big name stores such as Wal-Mart knows, there is NOTHING politically correct about this particular bloodbath.  It’s survival of

How To Make A Halloween Costume On A Budget

Anybody who is a parent knows.  Those store-bought Halloween costumes can take a monster-sized bite out of your budget.  They’re expensive as hell for what you get; A low-quality piece of crap that’s likely to make it through both those school Halloween parties and then Trick or Treat.  You’re far better off just making your

How To Carve a Jack o’ Lantern (Marty-Style)

Carving a jack o’ lantern out of a pumpkin is one of the oldest of All Hallows traditions.  In actuality though, did you know that the practice began with carving out turnips, potatoes, and gourds? There were no pumpkins in Celtic Ireland where the tradition began centuries ago.  It was when Irish settlers came to

How To Rid Yourself of Unwanted Spirits

Okay, so we covered the ways to tell if your house was haunted in a previous post.  So if you’re sure your place is definitely haunted at this point, and it’s not total paranoia on your part or someone’s idea of an awesome prank, it’s time to get rid of Casper.  There are several ways