}); A Much Different Night Before Christmas – Blinds-Eye View

A Much Different Night Before Christmas

Years ago, in my college days at IUP, I use to write silly little poems and stories for my friends at Christmas time.  This is a variation of one of my first ones.  I’ve changed it a bit here and there, partially due to not remembering a few of the exact lines, and also to add in a few of my favorite Blinds-Eye View fans.  Yeah, I know I missed a few of you.  Wait your turn.  You’ll be immortalized in one of my creations someday soon.  Merry Christmas, folks!

 

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, yes I was quite soused

 

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care

Along with whips and chains and a bottle of Nair

 

The children were nestled, all snug in their bed

While I sat typing away the thoughts in my head

 

I sat there worrying away, drinking another nightcap

Waiting for the arrival of that red and white suited, drunk chap

 

When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter.

I knew that his sleigh would soon be here to splatter

 

Away to the window, I flew like a flash.

Then went upstairs to get a robe to cover my ass

 

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Made me quite blinded, a fact already known

 

When what to my failing eyes should appear

But a sleigh filled with Schnapps, Fireball, Kahlua, and beer

 

With a drunken old driver, hanging over the side being sick

I knew in a moment, this guy was a dick.

 

More rapid than a flaming guppy, his coursers they came

He choked on his stogie, as he wheezed out their names

 

Now Tracey H., Tracy K., Stephie H, Stephanie A.

On Jason, Tara, Kim, Tom and other friends from Beach VA

 

To the top of the porch!  To the top of the wall!

Look out for that clothesline, it nearly severed my balls!

 

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly.

When it meets a 747 and everyone dies

 

So up to the housetop, his coursers they crashed

With some guttural swearing, and an almighty smash

 

And then with a smashing, I heard from above

An upstairs window being broken by a red and white glove

 

As I drew in my head and was turning around.

Down the stairway, he fell in one helluva bound

 

He was dressed in high heels and a leather speedo

He was one frightful looking St. Nick from his head to his toe

 

A bundle of booze he had slung on his back

We belched in my face and said: “What’s zapnin’, Jack?”

 

His eyes were all blood-shot, his cheeks rose and cherry.

He threw up on my robe, and said: “Hey there, I’m Harry.”

 

There was drool on his mouth, his pupils were blown

The guy was quite drunk and obviously stoned.

 

The stump of a Jay, he held tightly in his teeth

He wheezed out some smoke, it circled my head like a wreath.

 

He had a broad face and a little round belly

He threw off his boots, and gawd they were smelly

 

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf

And don’t you dare say he looked quite like myself

 

The blurring of his eyes, and the twisting of his head

Put me in fear, “What if he passes out on my bed?”

 

He spoke not another word but went straight to the john

The sounds that came out of there, were definitely not a song

 

Coming out of that foul room, and picking his nose.

He left the way he came in, after striking a dramatic pose

 

He crawled into his sleigh and flipped off his deer

They all rolled their eyes at the dick and departed from here

 

But I heard him exclaim as they flew out of sight

You’re pathetic Marty.  This poem doth bite

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