Santa has always been a symbol of love and joy throughout our lifetimes. Has anyone truly considered what type of role model we have here though? A short, fat guy who loves eating cookies and milk all night? Ummm…maybe I should just shut up and stop where I am, huh? 😊 Anyway, here’s 10 other reasons you might want to change your mind on who’s the jolliest of them all.
#10 Non-Union Employees
Not once in any of my favorite Claymation Christmas Stories have I ever seen one of Santa’s elves receiving a paycheck. Between this, and the extreme weather conditions of the North Pole, I’d say those little guys have more than a case for OSHA and the Better Business Bureau to investigate.
He sees you when you’re sleeping? He knows when you’re awake? He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake? No, we’re not talking about that perverted blind guy who’s trying to peek in your bedroom window, ladies We’re talking about St. Dick…I mean Nick. I can’t tell you how many privacy laws this guy must be breaking if he’s got his eye on all of us all year round like this. Think of that every time you’re in the shower, getting changed, or having relations with your significant other. Someone could be watching!
#8 Cruelty To Animals
Not only is old St. Nick keeping those poor reindeer cooped up year round up in his winter wonderland, but can you imagine having to tow his tubby ass and a world’s worth of presents in a sleigh all night? Someone really needs to get PETA involved here.
And while we’re on the subject of his night-long trip here, if he’s making it the whole way around the world in one night, he’s obviously out there breaking quite a few speed limits. But then again, what doughnut-munching authority figure is fast enough to stop him?
#6 Not Filing A Flight Plan
And while he’s speeding around the world at Mach 10, he’s obviously quite the danger to other flyers out there. His sleigh must be pelted with bug and bird carcasses all night! We’re just lucky he hasn’t taken out a 747 yet. NORAD may be tracking his progress, but what about the rest of the world’s flight controllers?
#5 Violating Air Space
This isn’t to mention the number of airspace violations he’s probably racked up. I can’t imagine him changing his non-existent flight plan to avoid places like military bases, the White House, and NASA. One of these Christmases he is going to be taken out by our missile defense system, if one of the other countries of the world doesn’t beat us to it.
#4 No Visa or Passport
And while we’re on the subject of all the places he’s flying, did he secure the proper traveling papers, Visas, and Passports for international travel? Doubtful. He wouldn’t have room in the sleigh leftover for the toys.
#3 Drunk Driving
Out of the millions of homes he’s stopping at, you can’t tell me that at least 1% of those homes aren’t leaving him alcoholic eggnog with his cookies? That means he’s having at least a 1,000 alcoholic drinks per million homes he’s visiting. This may be just a bit over the limit for safe and legal operation of a flying vehicle you might think.
#2 Breaking and Entering
Don’t forget the fact that he is basically breaking into everybody’s home. Sure, he’s covered on the kid’s who have mailed him an invitation to visit them on Christmas Eve, but what about all the others? You can say that it’s implied consent, but the burden of proof still falls on the fat man.
He may not do it in every house he visits, but I’ve heard countless stories about children’s mothers being kissed, or worse, by good ole Santa Claus. Not only is he ruining marriages on Christmas night, but what about poor Mrs. Claus back at the North Pole. She should kick that no-good, jolly mofo to the curb!
In conclusion, I don’t know why we put up with such a miscreant in our society? We not only put up with him, but millions look up to him with respect and love while he’s breaking the world’s laws with no regard. There can only be one reason for it. Santa Claus must be a politician!