}); 10 Terrific New Year’s Resolutions – Blinds-Eye View

10 Terrific New Year’s Resolutions

Now that we’ve covered the more traditional New Year’s resolutions and the futility of making them, how about a list of ones that are totally attainable for the rest of us slugs?  I promise you, it would take actual effort on your part not to be able to make these resolutions come true.

#10  Gain More Weight

See?  I told ya.  No effort necessary for this one.  Sometimes all it takes is stepping on the scale every morning to obtain results.  Don’t concern yourself with the health or appearance threats, just the positive ones.  There will be more of you to love, you won’t get cold as easily in the winter, and you can be used as a floatation device in the unlikely event of a water landing.  Now, who wouldn’t love that?

#9    Take More Naps

Yes, I know, as adults we have less and less time for leisure with our busy lives.  I say slow down that busy life, save yourself from an early grave, and take at least a half hour nap, minimum, at some point during the day.  If you can’t get your boss to approve it in your contract, or your fellow employees to cover for you, there’s always that after-work or after-dinner catnap?  The work will still be there when you wake up, whether it’s your job, the dishes, or whatever.  Take that extra time for you and catch up on those much needed zzz’s.

#8    Procrastinate More

Working hard, busting your butt, striving to get ahead and be the best?  Where do they get you?  Over-worked, stressed, miserable and no time to yourself.  Wants the point of being the best if you can’t enjoy life?  There isn’t any.  Just like above, the work will be there when you’re done napping, gaming, watching TV, surfing the net, etc..  You should come first.  Put the rest of that shit on the back burner till you absolutely HAVE to do it.

#7    Exercise Less

Again, life is too short to spend it sore and miserable.  Which is more fun?  Running those laps and doing those crunches, or sitting on the couch binge watching Netflix with a bag of chips, a package of cookies, and a 2-liter bottle of Dew?  Your fingers, hands, arms, and elbows will get the work out they need, as well as your neck and jaw muscles.  And one and two, and drink and chew!  Now as for the rest of your body’s fitness, that’s what #8 is for.

#6    Have More Sex

Okay, I’ll admit, this one can be hard to achieve if you don’t have a partner.  There’s nothing wrong with a good solo workout though too.  Don’t let anybody or religion tell ya different.  There’s no shame in doing anything that makes ya feel good, which isn’t hurting anyone else.  This professional disclaimer for masturbation endorsed by Arm&Hammered Personal Lubricant:  It glides, no sticky, on your clit or dicky.

Back to the matter at hand though. (Pun acknowledged) there is no better and more enjoyable exercise.  Done with a variety of positions, toys, venues, furnishings, and barnyard animals, it can be quite the workout, and a helluva lot of fun too.  DISCLAIMER:  Please leave the barnyard animals out of it.  Mental health insurance for our furry friends is quite hard to come by in this day and age.  If you must, there are plenty of stuffed, plush animals which should make suitable replacements.  Or find yourself one of those entertaining “furries” to hook up with, ya sick fuck.  Again, to each their own, folks!  😊

#5    Eat, Drink, And Be Marty

Just like not worrying about exercise, we need to stop worrying about the trash we put into our bodies.  Yeah, yeah, yeah…there’s the whole diabetes thing to worry about, but how much do you really need that foot, anyway?  If you’ve taken my advice thus far, you should be a fat, pathetic slob who doesn’t go anywhere anyway.

Why not enjoy those Chocolate-covered, deep-fried Oreo’s?  You only live once.  Nobody said you had to live forever.  And besides, take a look at your local grocery store these days.  Eating like a big fat slob is so much cheaper than eating healthy.   Lettuce will break the bank and your spirit.  So eat that whole batch of no-bake cookies by yourself, scarf down that whole bag of chips!  Drink like there will be no hangover tomorrow!  Viva la doughnut!

#4    Live Paycheck To Paycheck

If you’re getting by like most people in our current economy, you’re pretty much doing this already.  Good for you!  What’s the point of saving up for your future?  You could die from over-eating, high cholesterol, not exercising, or a stampeding herd of buffalo tomorrow.  What good is your hard earned and saved money going to be for you then?  Take whatever extra money you have at the end of each pay period and spend, spend, spend.  It’s good for the soul, and it’s good for the economy.

#3    Skip That Shower

Yes, as the anal Americans we are, we’re all taught from a young age to ALWAYS make sure we’re clean and fresh.  This means showering or bathing at LEAST once a day.  For those of you who work dirty jobs, or get sweaty and smelly on a daily basis, I can support that.  For the rest of us who generally spend our lives behind a desk or doing non-physical activity in our jobs and daily lives though, it’s major overkill.

Even dermatologists and your family doctor will tell you that bathing daily is overdoing it, and not necessarily healthy for your skin or hair.  Once every other day, to every third day is sufficient and will go unnoticed.  Now, if you’re one of these people who only do a weekly cleaning, or can’t remember the last time water and soap touched your body, that’s another matter.  Just EWWW!  As for the rest of you, you don’t stink.  You just smell like you a day or two without.

#2    Say What You’re Thinking

This one does come slowly with age, though I still know plenty of older folks who have a lot more discretion than I do.  As long as what you’re saying isn’t downright harmful, I say let her rip.  Life is too short for beating around the bush.  Be honest.  As long as what your saying is said with intelligence, others should be able to respect your point of view.  If they don’t, the hell with them.  That’s definitely been my stance anymore.  Why hide it?  Let her out!

#1    Live Like A Cave Dweller

And once you’ve begun taking my advice in #2 above, it probably wouldn’t be a bad idea to stay at home a bit more.  Think about it…where else can you totally be yourself?  Where are you the most comfortable?  Where do you want to be after a long, hard day?  Exactly!  At home, in your PJ’s or less, sitting in front of the TV, computer, or conversing with your significant other and children.  These are the people who matter more than anyone else.

And with social media what is today, you can spend all the time with the others you love and care about without leaving the comfort of your home.  Why deal with the hustle and bustle out there?  Why subject yourself to the dangers of our world’s streets and annoying people?  Bolt the door!  Pull those curtains tight!  And become a power hermit!

In conclusion, even though I’ve been guilty of most of these dubious lifestyles at one point or other in my life, I don’t condone them.  Especially to the extent which I’ve taken them.  The path of the Hermit Slug is not for everyone.  I just wanted to show you that there are New Year’s resolutions that actually can be attainable.  Following life’s rules of what is good for you, to the letter, may grant you a long and healthy existence, but at the cost of your life.  Just my opinion, folks.